remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I love you. Go after that dick
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
