nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
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my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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