I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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