Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
