This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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