dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
