I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
