I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
