my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
home. puking in laundry basket.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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