On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
