I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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