Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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