dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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