at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
