tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
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My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
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TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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