i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
