he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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