So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
