too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
