so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you didnt know i had herpes?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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