I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
