how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
