remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
