I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
