If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
