i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hippo gnu deer
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
