Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
