She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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