turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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