so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
