Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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