Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
