I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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