Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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