So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
