you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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