Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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