i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
