Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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