I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
