I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
