i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
