I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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