there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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