I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
