I accidentally had phone sex last night
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
