dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
