If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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