The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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