i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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