i was born a porn star she said
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Dear god my vagina.
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