You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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