The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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