whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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