I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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