last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
