barbara walters just said penis...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
