mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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