the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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