if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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