So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
